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| Why do I have really great dreams that make we want to cry when I get up? I feel so great, like someone and I just fell in love, only to be forced awake realizing it's never going to happen?
1) A while ago, I had a dream that the guy I was in love with (in the dream, obv.) proposed to me. He was a great guy, and his family watched the proposal and it was incredible. (brief overview. the details are actually kinda funny) I never want to forget the way I felt, it even lasted for like 2 hours before completely disappearing. [I don't remember whether or not it's him, but he reminded me of this guy I'm kinda friends with up here.]
2) A week or 2 ago, I had a dream where I was with this guy that I had been dating for like a year, and we were standing with his mother about to go back to school, and she kept saying things like "when you're married," etc. he never proposed to me, but we both knew he would in time. The way he held me was incredible and I never wanted to let go. [that day I woke up and went to ochem, only to realize the guy I had just dreamed about was in my class...weird.]
3) Just last night I had a dream where I was in some food place (possibly on campus?) with some friends and there were these guys there that we don't like. So I remember from a previous (mad similar) dream that this guy offered to pretend to be my boyfriend if I needed him to protect me from the creepers. So, he comes up behind me and kisses my head, and pretends to be all lovey-dovey...after the guys had already left. I think before I left, we made plans to hang out and watch a movie? At least I wanted to ask him anyway. [I woke up to realize that this guy was one of the managers at my job...a really cute manager...who is a senior with a girlfriend. Although, it wasn't the manager who I swear is a long lost Lawrence brother. haha]
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| Oh my fucking God. It's like a never-ending cycle. Seriously. This is ridiculous. At about this time last year I was having panic attacks and crying fits. The only thing was Saima was never in the room so it didn't really make a difference. Now, I have Steph here and I can't cry when I want to or feel like I'm going to randomly burst out. The ironic part is that part of it's about not having friends and needing to make some. But yet again I have utterly failed to become the social butterfly I envision. I think subconsciously set up so many people for my twitter mobile just so I could get texts all day and not be so lonely. I want a new personality. I was going to say that I do like certain parts of the one I have, I realized that isn't entirely true. I like who I am in my head more than who I really am, but I can't make that person come out. I see people and groups around campus all the time and they're loud and obnoxious and having fun, and I want that...minus the partying and getting drunk/high off my ass. Just thinking about it makes me want to scream and cry because I probably never will have that. I think that's why I become so easily obsessed with feel-good movies, and tv shows and whatnot *coughcoughDisney?*. I drown myself in them so they, in essence, become my life. How pathetic is that? Do I just have to come to terms with being alone all the time and try not to let it bother me? Is there some magic pill I can take that will change only what I want to change? Or should I just build a fort and go into seclusion? I can't help but wonder if I would have this problem if I wasn't quite as fat. And yet these feelings are part of what made me this size. The universe can be a very ironic in a fucked up kind of way.
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| So in my dream last night, I was in LA with my family for some unknown reason. I spotted a Pinkberry from a few blocks away and I screamed to my family and ran for it. Apparently, even in my sleep, I desperately want to try Pinkberry. Anyway, when I got there I was shocked to find that Selena Gomez was taking my order. She was awesome, because shockingly I couldn't decide, and gave me a "sample" of all of their flavors...and this "sample" was a bowl with half a scoop of each. I liked that dream. I mean, Pinkberry (even if they were out of everything I wanted) AND meeting Selena Gomez? Awesome.
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| I honestly don't understand why anyone would befriend me (let alone date me, God.) I mean, I doubt I would even be friends with myself. I am horribly boring, I never have anything to say, and I am completely anti-social. Case in point, Lina, Anna, and I were talking about college, and I had said...something...and Anna looks at me and says, "I can't imagine you being social." I am socially awkward/retarded. "Being myself" and being social and such is SO much easier said than done. I wish I could just be up front with people and say:
Hi, my name's Jeanette. I'm bi-romantic asexual (yes, it's real. Look it up.) I love SpongeBob, and almost everything Disney (yes, that includes the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus - but Hannah Montana's music can suck it.) I'm kind of stuck in the 90s, and I like it that way. I love oldies music; it's what I was raised on. You know that silence between us? Yeah, it's only awkward for you. I never know what to say, so I don't really speak, but when I do I tend to yell and/or tell random/pointless stories. If you want me to talk, deprive me of sleep.
However, that will probably never happen, and I will rarely make friends, and every time I'm with a group of people I will never be remembered (or I'd be remembered as the girl who no one knows the name of because she said one word all fucking night). But no matter how hard I try I just can't change, and it's beyond frustrating. I honestly don't know how I got the friends that I do, but I am beyond grateful that they put up with me and the silence. However, I honestly can't comprehend WHY they did in the first place.
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| It's incredible how the human body is connected. I was scratching my left leg before, and I realized that when I hit a certain spot, I got a sharp pain under my right shoulder blade, as if someone was stabbing me with a needle. Oh, the wonders of the human body.
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